diary of stine b tranekjær
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
monday: may 21st 2013
whilst this is written
since a while ago
winds are blowing
free for you to know
what looks like disease
is just a decoration
other men walked away
as they saw the connection
you float
cursed be your teeth and your nation
false is a curse in love
fast will i fall and bruise
green blood will spill and be of no use
this vanity we live
dark as the ocean
at night i wish i lay
beside you as the sky turn
bright trust is found at dawn
where love prevails and dreams are gone
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
monday: may 6th 2013
i still have hayfever. around noon i walked out to buy a nasal spray and that walk did almost kill me. yesterday birch was 1180, but luckily today it is down to 433 - and wensday it should rain :))))
but untill wensday i guess its best if i stay inside.
3 minuets a go i read an old note from 2010 on the guardian. the text advised me to google "The Alma Problem"
that is a good google-search.
(the note from the guardian is linked here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/dec/02/alma-schindler-problem-gustav-mahler)
- this google search is also great, but in another way: "alma mahler puppe kokoschka" (picture search)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
saturday: may 4th 2013
MEGA hayfever today. i had to stay inside. today birch was 450 and the parabel is still rising.
i havent had hayfever since i was a child, or maybe i just did not notice. im not sure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tuesday: april 30th 2013
there is something happening. as i begin this entry i wonder if i should create a list. i like lists. or at least i used to like lists to avoid a chaos in my mind.
i dont know if i like lists anymore. maybe to some extend.
another thing that i used to like - is to put the most important thing first.
i dont know if i like that anymore. maybe to some extend. (in order to be sure that i dont forget to put it at all)
i usually also like repetition. not as a formal pattern, but more as an alternation. slight alternation used within repetition seems to please the forgetful mind.
but lets see. now everything is open.
the open substance is – that something is changing – and the decoration is joyful and bright.
since a couple of weeks i feel a change in my memory.
it doesnt fail. i do not have the black holes. at least not often. that feeling is indescribable.
i am getting increasingly better remembering stuff. short and long.
by some months i will be out of the topiramate.
i have tapered down from a daily dose of 2 x 5o mg – to 2 x 15 mg. this has taken me almost half a year.
now i dont know if it makes sense to keep on writing this diary. before 2005/06 (when i started to use the topiramate), my ability to remember was very different. back then i was able to remember – everything.
the last years have been very different.
i dont think i need this diary anymore. but maybe i want to keep it? i dont know.
maybe for a little while. that will feel safe. as a memory backup. here in the back of the homepage.
if anyone comes by – it is ok. the diary is still online and there is still no real secrets and no real reality.
-
these days i have spend much time thinking about my mind. how it will turn out after this medicine is out of my body. if my memory will fully recover. if i will be able to focus again. how will that feel? will my personality change?
and at the same time spring is here:
today i tried to minimize my music collection - and i came upon a mendelssohn lp that has this botticelli, primavera tempera as a cover.
i put a link here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Botticelli-primavera.jpg
on the cover of the lp is this actual detail: http://artstor.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/flora_detail2.gif?w=500
here is a snatch from wiki:
"This is a tale from the fifth book of Ovid's Fasti in which the wood nymph Chloris's naked charms attracted the first wind of Spring, Zephyr. Zephyr pursued her and as she was ravished, flowers sprang from her mouth and she became transformed into Flora, goddess of flowers. In Ovid's work the reader is told 'till then the earth had been but of one colour'. From Chloris' name the colour may be guessed to have been green - the Greek word for green is khloros, the root of words like chlorophyll - and may be why Botticeli painted Zephyr in shades of bluish-green"
tomorrow is may 1st. i will not participate. not because i dont agree, but because i get phobic notions thinking about the masses of people.
i dont know if this is caused by the topiramate – maybe next year may 1st this will be different. all i know is that it did not use to be like this.
anyway. instead i will go and visit my mother and spend a nice day in the garden.
by the end of the week i will be at the funeral of the father of one of my best friends. that will be a sad day, as I will not know how to comfort my friend. to loose parents to early – i imagine that to be the worst.
maybe after the weekend i will find time to go to the summerhouse for a short trip, but i will have to come back fast, as chocho is getting married to mads.
i hope they will get happy, and i hope that we will be able to see each other grow over the many next years.
i feel like i could make this list long.
it is strange – now i see that for the first time i started making a list going forwards – like going in to the future. hmm. that is not exactly diary-style.
i will stop this list here, and get back and go backwards when i feel like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wensday: april 17th 2013
today i will take the diary of the mainpage.
yesterday something happened
maybe that was the end of a long journey.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wensday: march 27th 2013
i was part of a large scale immigration somewhere in the north of russia. the last thing i remember was a clear multiple-personality view and feelings of being haunted as a group. apart from freezing cold weather and migration - the subject was lack of food. when one of the people, whos eyes i saw the situation through, almost got killed by thieves - i (the real me, i guess) ran out of the dark tent.
i rarely have nightmares - and when i ran out of the tent i also woke up.
this was a very unpleasant dream - and it took some time to wake up and understand that it was not real. when i found my bed i also found my phone, and strangely this nightmare-night is the first night (out of approx. 10 nights measured) that the sleep cycle app has valued my sleep 100 % good sleep. very strange as i was paralyzed by fear and all tensed when i woke up.
well.
on the same subject - here is some sleep talk recordet with the sleep talk app, today early morning (i will let it be in danish since it does not make much sense already):
"ej - ja, det var heldigvis ikke mig der skulle effektuere noget af det - ååh, for det var nok alt sammen lidt hårdt..."
"hvor meget er dér?"
"jeg spør, om der var nogle der havde fået fået lavet nogen sjove nogen - ikke nogen bestemt... - bare om der var nogen der havde lavet nogen der var goe?"
so i really wonder, where i am when I'm sleeping. the biggest issue is, that i find no relation between my dreams/(eventual nightmares) and my sleep talk. - maybe if i had someone wake me up just when i talk - i would be able to tell the dream. maybe i only remember half - or even less of my dreams. i think that is to bad.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
saturday: march 23rd 2013
as wide as this digital world is - it sure is narrow in the same time - and obviously i have no real idea about who reads this diary apart from myself - and sometimes my mother and a few of my friends.
if someone i dont know feels like a challenge, then i suggest to hit me up on the app quizz battle - sanne hyun made me create a profile so i can play with her. my name there is hemulsemul :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
monday: march 19th 2013
this weekend has been very boring and very interesting at the same time.
i felt sick after a very strange party friday night - and then spend both saturday and sunday in bed.
but so i got to do something i have wanted to do for some time – investigate app-stuff :)
some months ago i got a new telephone that can do all sorts of things, but i havent really found out what all those things can do for me.
until this weekend!
now i know - here comes my top founds:
sleep talk: years ago tobias valentin had a dictaphone that had a voice control function, that would allow it to start recording when there was sounds in the room. i have thought about buying such a dictaphone many times because since then i know i speak about strange stuff when i sleep.
the answer will be with the sleep talk app.
- here are my records for the two past nights: (i will let this be in danish, and for anyone who does not understand (and for everyone else :) – i recomend to start recording your own sleep talk.
the night after saturday march 16th
04.31 am
"ja undskyld alsså - jeg var måske lige lidt uinspireret, ik!?"
06.26 am
"mmmha jaa-a - helt sikkert"
06.31 am
"det vil sige - når du skal sidde her med drengene så skal du ha fire koder eller hvad?"
the night after sunday march 17th
kl. 04.47
"årh ja ja jaer"
kl. 09.07
"nååå-øh-jo - så skal man lige ha kodet det ind i hjernen..."
(by the way - it is strange that i am speaking about codes two nights in a row – i hope the subject will change tonight)
------
next app:
sleep cycle: im having great expectations. this app promise to wake you up when you are ready to be awoken. it will base its decision on how - and how much you move around during your sleep. so far i just tried to sleep with it one night, and i can say that it seems to work well. and that the graph that the app produced about my sleep cycle was correct to the point that i could see when i woke up in the night – i will turn it on again tonight.
------
now we are slowly hitting the silly department.
enviro bear 2010: some time ago i got requests to put some games on my new phone. im not sure, that the asking person will be happy with this game – but so far its my only game :)
------
and last but not least:
ladida: this is a wonderfull app that can make trash music out of trash vocals :)
i sung the text below into the phone, and the ladida app made this:
calendar 2013
there was a deeper hole
and i fell in to
some darkness and a dirt that was not mine
over
and even though
it is hurts
over again
much more
is such
what is seen and said, whilst being weightless or worn out in joy
it was bigger pleasure to keep and befriend
every hole has an open roof
a new year will carry no soil under my nails
bring no brown water will catch me swimming or diving
and slow nights can turn clean
into a longest summer
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wensday: march 13th 2013
in the morning i woke up and thought of these lyrics.
i remember to have read that they started out as a bit of a different song, but in this will oldham rendition it is a very fine song.
idea and deed
what's the winter's cold negative press
what's the spring with its air of rebirth
to those felled under wildest duress
trading freedom for a false sense of worth
let the love of our own sacred rites
to the love of our people succeed
let friendship and future unite
and flourish in idea and deed
let the costume distinguish the strong
place riches in lowest esteem
it's for excess that people do wrong
and to liberty honesties lean
letting one minute go on
without seeing yourself with an eye
that is watchful and kindly and strong
is as letting the soul drop and die
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sunday: march 10th 2013
alke just posted this.
clever girls 1996:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
friday: march 8th 2013
a bit more about the gender trouble (which should really not be much trouble).
today is a fine day to make a more clear explanation:
it seems that the female gender is defined by the male gender. and that is a long story.
in order to be free (liberated is such a sticky word) any person needs to define her or him self.
the female gender needs to define itself.
and a definition will be based on knowledge and choices.
so when i write that i do not feel like a woman, my point and feelings are, that i do not feel like the male-culture description of a woman.
what i feel like - is just as big a question as anything else. i don't know myself. but i know that i refuse to be kept in the male-culture definitions of female gender.
neither me nor any other women belong there.
and these days, there are less reasons than ever - to stay stuck there.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
monday: march 5th 2013
earlier today i was having thoughts about that maybe – what would be perfect for me, was to meet a man who was a woman on the inside.
but next thought was, that this do not make sense. that is nonsense.
however what do make sense is that i feel stuck inside my gender.
i dont feel stuck inside my body though.
its not that i feel like im a man inside either.
i just dont feel like i am a woman (nor a man for that sake)
somehow i dont feel that the cultural rules (that i know) of gender, are attractive to me.
to me - gender is a strange game.
a phony thing that i cant master – or hustle the same.
i can remember i have felt like this since i was a teenager: if i put on a dress and makeup – i guess i will end up looking like a woman. but inside i will feel as if i have dressed up like a woman – like into a carnival version of a woman.
this is strange. i know.
well
then in the evening i was surprised, when i saw this documentary that i liked a lot.
and this kim – who was once a man, is now so much a woman.
its not really the same subject, but it is a good story about finding your self, and it is very well told:
http://www.dr.dk/tv/se/dokumania/dokumania-de-fortabte-soenner#!/
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sunday: feb 24th 2013
as i wrote some days ago ive got some prints featured in the charlottenborg spring exhibition - if somebody wants to come and say hi - i will be very happy to see you at the opening.
opening is thursday feb. 28th from 7 to 11pm in kunsthal charlottenborg, kgs. nytorv, cph.
more details here:
https://www.facebook.com/events/121298571384199/
exhibition runs march 1st - may 12th.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
friday: feb 22th 2013
today i woke up to the sound of rain. 06.45 and actually it would be more correct to write that - i was awoken by the sound of rain.
it was raining merry and loudly just above my entrance door - on the inside that was. big drops of bathwater fresh with soap and scent was magically forming freely on the white paint of the ceiling - and some litters of the ceiling-bathwater, had already formed an ocean in my floor – and turned all my shoes and boots into wet, slimy leather rock formations, helplessly soaked and stranded in their new matter.
now all my shoes are wet. i did not not foresee this rain happening.
i hope everything will be normal soon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
monday: feb 18th 2013
this morning i woke up laughing - that was very strange.
i dreamt that someone was fighting in a big ball of people. like in a comic drawing of something fast where you only see parts of the action. like arms, hands, words, clubs and maybe plants - people and things were going round and round and i was watching.
anyway - then i woke up and heard this song now, and im laughing again:
"tigermeat in your foodprocessor" lol
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
saturday: feb 16th 2013
my mother told me about this yesterday, but i forgot to look at it:
its a very nice video
its a very nice incident
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
monday: feb 11th 2013
i just realised that i find this pope-election super exciting. its 03am and im in my bed with period pains, googling possible pope-candidates.
i google articles to find pictures - these men all look very strange, and as i read their small resumes in the pope-election-newspaper-articles that i find, i think much about the power that this church holds - and how much potential that has. to me, the catholic church very much resembles total scientology - but to many people this is normal. this church is natural. and most important, its very legal all over.
when i look at the pope-candidates they somehow grow monstrous features.
that is very strange. tell me if this is just me:
(here are my google search results)
https://www.google.com/search?q=Peter+Kodwo+Appiah+Turkson&hl=da&safe=off&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=0J4ZUc3uAYORhQeEmICgBg&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1276&bih=679
https://www.google.com/search?q=Odilo+Scherer&hl=da&safe=off&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=_aEZUf6ZGNKHhQeyloCQBg&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1276&bih=679
https://www.google.com/search?q=Angelo+Scola&hl=da&safe=off&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=M58ZUYPnIZS6hAfljYGYCw&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1276&bih=679
https://www.google.com/search?q=Leonardo+Sandri&hl=da&safe=off&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Zp8ZUaLCAZCBhQelmYDYAw&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1276&bih=679
https://www.google.com/search?q=Gianfranco+Ravasi&hl=da&safe=off&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Q6gZUfPdOM6ChQfzsoBQ&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1276&bih=643
https://www.google.com/search?q=Angelo+Bagnasco&hl=da&safe=off&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=l6EZUd-sNo-XhQf_qYGYDw&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1276&bih=643
https://www.google.com/search?q=Marc+Ouellet&hl=da&safe=off&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=_p4ZUbu4CsnLhAeLkIDADQ&ved=0CAoQ_AUoAQ&biw=1276&bih=679
and this is interesting to:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_popes
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sunday: feb 10th 2013
hej – two things:
I# tonight i heard this old palace song;
i think this is the saddest song lyrics i know. then i cry.
II# three of my prints have found a way into the annual Charlottenborg Spring Exhibition. Its the 3 prints of the Farewell series and the opening is feb. 28, from 7 to 10 pm - Kunsthal Charlottenborg in Copenhagen.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thursday: feb 7th 2013
the hands on my watch has climbed past midnight and i should walk to my bed now, because else i will wake up very late tomorrow.
i was on my way to bed, but then i gave up. i will not fall asleep just now since my feet are both very cold. so now i sit by my desk with my feet dipped in a red bucket of warm water and sea salt. beside me i have a kettle with even warmer water, and thats a good trick – then i can rise the temperature slow as my feet gets used to the heat.
earlier today i was thinking about my parents summerhouse. i have been wanting to go there since new year, but i think it will be to cold for me – normally we dont go there in the wintertime. i dont know how many days it would take to heat up the house, and how much energy it would take to keep the house going through this frost. but it would be such a nice place to stay.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tuesday: jan 29th 2013
i saw this video on youtube:
its a crazy powerfull rendition of this song. i dont think there is anything about this video that i dont like.
if i could only have 3 artists in my itunes it would be maher shalal hash baz, bach (played by i guess glenn gould or maybe even wendy carlos) and then dirty projectors! i think that would be a a very fine itunes list - and i would maybe not even regret deleting all the other music. maybe i should just go ahead and do it =)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
saturday: jan 26th 2013
tonight it suddenly snowed. thats nice.
today the migraine was finally better. not gone. just better.
i feel like an old tree. my mind is slow and my body is stiff. my back has a round shape cast of my bed. when i try to think i dont get very far. i dont know if it is sideeffects of all the injections i took during the past days when i tried to stop the pain - or if it is the after effects of the migraine itself.
now skin is dry and i have wrinkles that were not here 10 days ago.
i look sad, but i dont look into mirrors much.
it would be good to swim in some warm water but that seem very far away. even the supermarket is far away.
this monster-migraine seem to have evolved because the doctors now finally prescribed a much lower dose of the “memory snatching” pills.
this lower dose is what i want, but maybe my body do not agree. i hope my body will agree soon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tuesday: jan 22nd 2013
the last 5 days have been occupied by a headache. migraine.
again.
it started in the left side of my head and stayed there for a couple of days. then it moved to the right side. then it broke of for some 12 hours. i dont know where it went and i thought it was over - and i myself went to visit my parents. but the same night it came back – then both left and right side at the same time. next morning it had settled in the left side. behind my left eye where it especially enjoys to dwell.
as far as i know the correct way of describing this matter, would be to say - that for the past 5 days i have had 3 migraines, as it is actually a new migraine each time the pain changes side.
inside my head a blood vessel will undergo a combination of contraction and dilation, which causes this pain behind my eye (in this case eyes). i also know that at the same time a sterile inflammation goes on inside my brain.
apart from that i dont know anything but i would like to know. everything that can help me, since it is a helpless feeling every time.
here is a description about the combination of stress and the sterile inflammation that i had not read before. maybe someone cares like me.
http://aboutheadaches.blogspot.dk/2011/01/migraine-stress-and-inflammation.html
i am thinking about the hunger – the subject of lack of hunger held up against this avoiding “stress” – maybe it is all a symptom. but as i cant really read what i write now, because the pain is strong, i will not write or think more tonight. maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tuesday: jan 8th 2013
tonight something extraordinary happened: i cant remember exactly where it began. either it was the 350g white bake off brownie from irma, that i had eaten halfway through before it landed in the kitchen, or maybe it started even earlier - when i cut an extra thick slice of brie cheese, and made it cover my open sandwich of rye bread with rosehip jam.
anyway, the culmination is now. my stomach knows it. i am still hungry after my late night dinner, and that was a big piece of duck-meat baked in the oven with much vegetable garniture (my initial plan was that it was a two day dish.. but i ate it all)
i dont know what this hunger is made of.
maybe it is an appetite for a new year.
maybe it is an appointment with the devil.
maybe it is just a coincidence.
-
normally i am not very hungry. in any way.
and maybe that is a big problem.
because if there is no lack of food or nourishment, then being hungy is very much a great virtue.
so - i hereby open the beautiful year 2013, by wishing that this will be a year of hunger.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
diary 2012
diary 2011
diary 2010
journal 2009
journal 2008
journal 2007
journal 2006